Ryan May's SANews Application

Questions and advice for new players

Moderators: Forum Moderators, Server Moderators

Forum rules
Newbie Forum is a moderated OOC forum.

Inflammatory bullshit, thread de-railing, or any other disruptive posts may result in punitive action.
Locked
William Blanc
Posts: 8.0
Joined: January 25th, 2009, 10:28 pm

Ryan May's SANews Application

Post by William Blanc »

Date of birth:15/06/1980
Phone number:795796
Address/general location (optional):18 Chapel Road, Los Santos


OOC:
Names of any alts you have/had on SZR:Eric Macabio
Previous roleplay experience, including other servers (optional):Well, I've been a cop on another server so I do know quite a lot of roleplay experience.
Will your news character be your primary character? (optional):Absolutely.

IC:
A brief description of what brought you here. (Was it a recommendation? A wanted ad? Simple whimsy? Something else?):Hmm, I'm geting tired of being in a gang like all the gang wars and points. I've done a lot of them and its just boring now. So I thought, why not a news reporter?

A brief description of why you feel you'd be an asset to our team (feel free to include relevant skills and/or achievements):I think I would be a good asset to the team because I am a very respectful and a polite person but I will do my best and represent the SANews very well.

An example of your writing in the two formats ((Article format, no less than 50 words, and in-game /news format, no less than 7 lines. See below for examples. Update: Wackiness (being outrageous) won't get you hired, and please try not to report on the common subjects - Nurgle, UFOs, combat situations, action stories, etc. Made up interviews will NOT be accepted.)):

Major car thieves on the loose
The mayor's limousine has recently been stolen and the car thieves are still on the loose. It seems to be a man with a black beanie and black shades by the witness of the mayor's maid Emma she could not see the other thieves around the mayor's house. Emma ran outside and tried to call the LSPD but she was too late. The maid was found dead lying infront of the mayor's house door. Contact LSPD with evidence.

Reported by Ryan May from SANews.

/news Good evening Los Santos, this is Ryan May from SANews.
/news LSPD has informed us that there are car thieves on the loose.
/news If you see the car thieves please contact LSPD with evidence.
/news But importantly remember to lock your car before you leave it.
/news The detective team has found some information about the thieves.
/news Please ensure that your car is properly locked.
/news This is all I have for you tonight. Thank you
/news Ryan May from SANews signing out.


Any additional comments (optional):I did spend a bit time on this application and stayed up late for a bit and hope you enjoyed it. Wish me luck :)
Luca Anzelmo - Pinoy Church Group
Banjo
Posts: 730.0
Joined: November 26th, 2008, 3:00 am
Location: Hiding in a kangaroo's pouch

Re: Ryan May's SANews Application

Post by Banjo »

Hello Hello!

First of all, I haven't seen anything as decent (not excellent) as this, in a loooong time! Congratulations on that!
Ok, a few things about your newsreports! And again, congratulations for actually fulfilling the requirements and posting TWO newsarticles!

1. Article Format:
Ok, I have to say this to 85% of all applicants..I know it says a minimum of 50 words, but that does not mean that you can write more than 50 words! Take your time, think of an unusual and interesting topic that will make us want to read it [god knows I have to work on that as well..]. Format it nicely, in other words use paragraphs, a nice heading [already got that], date of publication etc etc etc! Check out the "newsroom", they normally give a good example.

2. In-Game Format:
I really like the format and the way it looks. Maybe you should be a little more creative with the choice of your words! We want you to dare and expand your vocabulary horizon, not stick to the same old 'on the loose' stuff.

But, seriously! I would really really like to see you write another newsarticle (1. Format) and add it as a reply at the bottom of this thread. Thanks for your effort, I think you have good chances!

[sorry for typos, it's late here.]
Kitty_Mason wrote:
Rho wrote:im hung like a chinese mouse and will never get to see boobs like those let alone play with them
William Blanc
Posts: 8.0
Joined: January 25th, 2009, 10:28 pm

Re: Ryan May's SANews Application

Post by William Blanc »

Kay...
So here it is:

Mayday Mayday!
Published Tuesday 14th April 2009
A Boeing-747 plane has apparently crashed after a maintenance with 338 passengers in Liberty City during the flight to Los Santos. The plane crashed at Monday morning 6:18am on the 6th of April 2009. The plane was smoking then an explosion on the left side of the wing as it started charging down at hundreds of innocent people by the witness of a teenager. Apparently there were a few survivors. A passenger made its way out of the plane and yelled for help. The rest of the passengers in the plane were hopeless.

Engineers has been trying to work out why the plane had been smoking. The Engineering team thinks something was caught on the engine and fuel was leaking. The left side of the plane was all burnt.

The plane was so close to hitting a mountain or else there would be no survivors. There were 3 pilots on the plane but they all died because of crashing head down onto the surface.

Reported by Ryan May from SANews.
Luca Anzelmo - Pinoy Church Group
Banjo
Posts: 730.0
Joined: November 26th, 2008, 3:00 am
Location: Hiding in a kangaroo's pouch

Re: Ryan May's SANews Application

Post by Banjo »

Ok, now that's an improvement over your first newspaper article.

However:
has apparently crashed
, either it did crash, or it did not.
Apparently there were a few survivors.
, either they did survive, or they did not. ;)

the plane, plane, plane, plane, plane. Try using a few more synonyms to make it sound more interesting and less repetetive; eg.: instead of plane you could have used aircraft once or twice.

You have a few grammatical errores like 'at Monday..' instead of 'on Monday'. And "The plane was smoking then an explosion on the left side of the wing as it started charging down at hundreds of innocent people by the witness of a teenager.", I get what the sentence means, but it, gramatically, makes no sense, sorry.

You have a few grammatical errors, typos and lack of vocabulary .. don't get me wrong your application is above average [which is kind of low], and despite those little typos I think you have good chances of getting accepted.

But tell me, what's your style? Your style of writing? Your style of RPing? What do people know you for? [eg.: Me being hysterically stupid.]
Kitty_Mason wrote:
Rho wrote:im hung like a chinese mouse and will never get to see boobs like those let alone play with them
Banjo
Posts: 730.0
Joined: November 26th, 2008, 3:00 am
Location: Hiding in a kangaroo's pouch

Re: Ryan May's SANews Application

Post by Banjo »

Accepted, contact me in-game for an invite.
Make sure to read the Rules & Guidelines in our private forum, which you now have access to.
Kitty_Mason wrote:
Rho wrote:im hung like a chinese mouse and will never get to see boobs like those let alone play with them
Locked