THE DRIVER PUTS IN THE TAPE AND HITS PLAY
Welcome to the Conrad tour. I am the voice Conrad Rautenbah (( Yes Conrad RAUTENBAH not Conrad Rodriguez stop being mad at Rodriguez for racist comments you metagamer. )) This tour is on tape and I will talk really fast, but driver should honk at each point of interest. I will also TALK LIKE THIS at JOBS or GROUP HQs. If you have any questions or comments, or want tour faster or slower, yell at driver. You are free to leave the tour at any time and hurt driver's feelings.
This is one of the five star eateries in Los Santos. You can stop here any time for a pick me in form of American fat sandwich. But do not do this while you are being attacked. You cannot be hurt. If you engage in magic eating contest while being attacked, Nurgle will banish you. Oh no.
Here is the beautiful Santa Maria pier. It is home to much FISHING for people to fill socks. You can catch expensive rarities such as one pound whales and ninety nine pound pike. Wow. Have you fished before or do you need instruction?
All fishing commands can be found by using /fishhelp. Fishing is fairly simple, just stand at a fishing pole to begin. Then type /fish over and over to catch fish... nothing complicated. You can hold five fish but catch six before the timer will warn you of overfishing the seas. Fishing is fairly useless at first because you only want fish over twenty pounds but won't catch them. The fishing timer will reset allowing you to fish again AT LEAST every twenty minutes.
This is the exclusive YAKUZA club Teahouse. It is home to the prestigious asian Yakuza yellowmen. Also known as Catsoupian Gardens where waiters will throw boiling water in your face. It constructed in classical Asian architecture, which is why the tennis court is out of place. Surely from a previous owner, as Asians do not play tennis only ping pong. As evidenced by the popularity of the asian birth name “ping pong.”
(( They show as grey names. ))
Here is SANEWS. The SANews staff will update citizens on live or upcoming events. It is also home to star reporter Chris Hansen and his hit show To Catch a Predator. I have caught many predators at home I don’t know why he is so special catching fat sixty year old man.
(( News will appear as a teal name. ))
This is the LS auto center. It has a pay n’ spray and a mod shop as well as WHEELMEN certificates. WHEELMEN are often employed by the Friendly Bumble Bee TAXI Co for their repairs and mods. They can make taxis less smokey, more yellow, and much faster in taxi quest to ram everyone. Taxi or not, wheelmen are also the only ones in LS who can fly planes or choppers.
(( Taxis appear as yellow names. ))
Only the social elite take residence here. You can tell from the rusty bucket cars.
(( To buy a house, first find a suitable location. Really, anything with a door. ))
(( Then walk to the door and use /buyhouse. ))
(( Then place your free housecar by typing /buyhousecar It will point the direction you face. ))
Try to pick something OTHER than these hills. Everyone lives here.
This is the famous LS “drop bridge.” It is unknown why so many commit suicide here… Yet every year there are many bodies found at the bottom. It is also unknown how they tie themselves up or put boot prints on their back. A mystery.
Speaking of spooky, ahead on the right is the former home of Lockie Fantico. He used this as dead wife storage whenever he needed a new woman slave.
This is home of Sicilian Security Firm. Firm, but fair. It is also rumored the MAFIA lives nearby… but it is probably just rich wops. Silly rumors. If the Mafia DID live nearby, they would be one of the more established and respected gangs in LS.
(( Mafia members will have red names. ))
Now we pass the Vinewood sign behind us.
We can squeeze past the crowd to the famous Shootas club. How lucky are we. It is a very popular roll hot spot, something about bakeries I think. Mr. Jon Do was quoted to “working on it eight hours a day.” What a man. Unfortunately it is undergoing restoration from water damage due to extensive tears.
Here is Ammunation, where ARMS DEALERS learn their craft. This is one of the most profitable jobs. Luckily they have a lot of self control to keep dummies away from firepower. Arms dealers spend a lot of time driving back and forth between pickups and factories. These are called “mat runs” and if you like driving all day, Arms Dealing is for you.
Here is a LS magic dumpster. It fuses Styrofoam and moldy hot dogs into gun parts. These are called MAT PICKUPS. Simply run them to a MAT FACTORY then you can make guns anywhere.
We are now in Pershing Square. This is City Hall, home of Jew LAWYER. Rich men come here and use scent of money to lure out hooknose. After they catch one, they wave at police and police go away. Justice prevails. Lawyers can see who is /wanted to find fugitives or see /cases of those in jail. Lawyers can /defend to remove wanted levels, /tinfoil to hide from /find. At the very least they can /free someone who makes bail in jail.
This is some sort of racist headquarters. White man gather here to suit up with beat clubs. Then they patrol in black and white car, ignore crime to focus on oppressing minorities. Boo. Also called POLICE DEPARTMENT.
(( LSPD will appear with blue names. ))
(( Crimes are NEVER auto reported. All crimes are reported by hand. ))
(( The list of crimes and punishments can be found in the LSPD section of http://www.szrgta.com ))
Now we are at Unity Station. Designed as a transportation hub, it now serves as storage. It stores hobo, dead hobo, feces, and guns. If you want to add gun to GUN LOCKER, use floating thing. It is convenient to store gun here such as before police beat you or before green gorilla attack. It is legal to carry a shotgun or SDPistol, but it is never legal to wield them in public or fire them at other people. You can also try to dispose of them with /dump guns
This is one of many cars provided as public transport by our mayor. Simply apply a firm elbow to the window, then get in and rub wires together. You are now using public transit. Good for the environment. It is legal to take any empty car. If you take a housecar accidently, try to explain to angry police it was not intentional grand theft automobile.
Be very quiet… this is home of yellow Mexico man known as VAGOS. They grow high in forests of Mexico, and when they’re ripe and ready they fall from mother’s belly. Then they swim to America and take up custodial jobs and grow big mustaches. Everyone wins. …On a more serious note, they are a very caring family and help newbs. If you want to join, go in front of their HQ and use the floating thingy.
(( They have dark yellow names. ))
Here is the LS transport CRANE. When you are done with car, /DROPCAR here and it will put back in pool for public use. You will also get a small finders fee for your work…$1000-$2000 at level one.
Here is Ganton Gym, home of American boxing. American boxing is two men go in circles and not hit each other. Very boring. Also, home of MERCENARY who can /find people on map. Very useful.
Here is where Jon Do finally lost his mind. He killed himself watching 200 straight hours of The Wire. He finally collapsed muttering clubclubclubclubclub. Also home of DRUG DEALER thingy for people to deal drugs. Use in conjunction with the big “D”s on the map.
On the right, angry green GROVE gorillas. Do not feed them. They are one of the long standing groups in the city.
(( Members will have dark green names. ))
Here is home of local gay pride unit. You can tell from flamboyant colors and sarcastic name of the bar “pig pen.” Gays have great sense of humor. They are also called “BALLERS” because of obvious love of testicles.
Now we pass Jefferson Motel
And now we are at the LS BANK. Second nest of Jew, this time in disguise of accountant. They hold money and use witch power to turn into little extra money over time. Still… I would not trust Jew. Jews would never donate or tip. Oh. That is the end of the tour. Do you have any questions, comments, or gifts for driver?
Enjoy Los Santos!
Code: Select all
!-::
SendInput t**Greeting from Niger. Welcome to the Conrad tour. I am the voice Conrad Rautenbah.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*This tour is on tape and I will talk really fast, but driver should honk at each point of interest.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*I will also TALK LIKE THIS at JOBS or GROUP HQs.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*If you have any questions or comments, or want tour faster or slower, yell at driver.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*You are free to leave the tour at any time and hurt driver's feelings.{Enter}
return
!1::
SendInput t**This is one of the five star eateries in Los Santos.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*You can stop here any time for a pick me in form of American fat sandwich.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
return
!2::
SendInput t**Here is the beautiful Santa Maria pier. It is home to much FISHING for people to fill socks.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*You can catch expensive rarities such as one pound whales and ninety nine pound pike. Wow.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Have you fished before or do you need instruction?{Enter}
return
!f::
SendInput t/b **All fishing commands can be found by using /fishhelp{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Fishing is fairly simple, just stand at a fishing pole to begin.{Enter}
Sleep 4500
SendInput t/b *Then type /fish over and over to catch fish... nothing complicated.{Enter}
Sleep 5000
SendInput t*You can hold five fish but catch six before the timer will warn you of overfishing the seas.{Enter}
Sleep 5500
SendInput t*Fishing is fairly useless at first because you only want fish over twenty pounds but won't catch them.{Enter}
Sleep 5000
SendInput t*The fishing timer will reset allowing you to fish again AT LEAST every twenty minutes.{Enter}
Sleep 5000
SendInput t/b *Fishing is profitable, but after you catch about 700 total you will no longer be able to fish.{Enter}
return
!m::
SendInput t**This is home of REBELZZZZZ MILITIA.{enter}
sleep 4000
SendInput t*They patrol our borders with intense hatred of minorities and intense smell and intense gross teeth.{enter}
sleep 4000
SendInput t*These guys are dumb Christians and always plant the cross upside down. Silly.{enter}
sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Members will appear with baby blue names. /families 3{enter}
return
!3::
SendInput t**This is the exclusive YAKUZA club Teahouse. It is home to the prestigious asian Yakuza yellowmen.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Also known as Catsoupian Gardens where waiters will throw boiling water in your face.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It constructed in classical Asian architecture, which is why the tennis court is out of place.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Surely from a previous owner, as asians do not play tennis only ping pong.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*As evidenced by the popularity of the asian birth name "ping pong."{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They show as grey names. /families 11{Enter}
return
!4::
SendInput t**Here is SANEWS. The SANews staff will update citizens on live or upcoming events.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is also home to star reporter Chris Hansen and his hit show To Catch a Predator.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*I have caught many predators at home I don't know why he is so special catching fat sixty year old man.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *News will appear as a teal name. You can apply to join at http://www.szrgta.com{Enter}
return
!o::
Sendinput t**Here is home of OREILLY REPUBLICANS. They are great service to the community.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
Sendinput t*Without OReilly's we would b- ...what? No. We'll do it live, FUCK IT. WE'LL DO IT LIVE.{ENTER}
Sleep 4000
Sendinput t*FUCK IT. WE'LL DO IT LIVE. WE'LL DO IT LIVE. WE'LL DO IT LIVE.{enter}
Sleep 4000
Sendinput t/b *ONeil Republic Army will appear as pink names. /families 9.{enter}
return
!a::
SendInput t**Here is home of DOUBLE DRAGON ALLIANCE. A B A B UP DOWN UP DOWN START.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They are like Chinese Yakuza or something. Eyes slanty and women disappointedy.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They will appear as light purple. /families 1{Enter}
return
!5::
SendInput t**This is the LS auto center. It has a pay n' spray and a mod shop as well as WHEELMEN certificates.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*WHEELMEN are often employed by the Friendly Bumble Bee TAXI Co for their repairs and mods.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They can make taxis less smokey, more yellow, and much faster in taxi quest to ram everyone.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Taxi or not, wheelmen are also the only ones in LS who can fly planes or choppers.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Taxis appear as yellow names. Don't bother applying to be a taxi you won't get in.{Enter}
return
!h::
SendInput t**Only the social elite take residence here. You can tell from the rusty bucket cars.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Houses cost $50,000 per house level. Higher level houses are larger and give more interest from the bank.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *To buy a house, first find a suitable location. Really, anything with a door.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b */buyhouse will give you the step by step instructions, starting with /buyhouse entrance for your door.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Then place your free housecar by typing /buyhouse car It will point the direction you face.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Try to pick something OTHER than these hills. Everyone lives here.{Enter}
return
!6::
SendInput t**This is the famous LS "drop bridge." It is unknown why so many commit suicide here...{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Yet every year there are many bodies found at the bottom.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is also unknown how they tie themselves up or put boot prints on their back. A mystery.{Enter}
return
!7::
SendInput t**Speaking of spooky, ahead on the right is the former home of Lockie Fantico.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*He used this as dead wife storage whenever he needed a new woman slave.{Enter}
return
!8::
SendInput t**This is home of Sicilian Security Firm. Firm, but fair.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is also rumored the MAFIA lives nearby... but it is probably just rich wops. Silly rumors.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*If the Mafia DID live nearby, they would be one of the more established and respected gangs in LS.{enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Mafia members will have red names. /families 12{Enter}
return
!9::
SendInput t**Now we pass the Vinewood sign behind us.{Enter}
return
!0::
SendInput t**We can squeeze past the crowd to the famous Shootas club. How lucky are we.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is a very popular roll hot spot, something about bakeries I think.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Mr. Jon Do was quoted to "working on it eight hours a day." What a man.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Unfortunately it is undergoing restoration from water damage due to extensive tears.{Enter}
return
numpad1::
SendInput t**Here is Ammunation, where ARMS DEALERS learn their craft. This is one of the most profitable jobs.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Luckily they have a lot of self control to keep dummies away from firepower.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Arms dealers spend a lot of time driving back and forth between pickups and factories.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*These are called "mat runs" and if you like driving all day, Arms Dealing is for you.{Enter}
return
numpad2::
SendInput t**Here is a LS magic dumpster. It fuses styrofoam and moldy hot dogs into gun parts.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*These are called MAT PICKUPS, marked with a black handled gun and letters MC.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Simply run them to a MAT FACTORY, marked with brown handled gun then you can make guns anywhere.{Enter}
return
numpad3::
SendInput t**We are now in Pershing Square.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*This is City Hall, home of Jew LAWYER. Rich men come here and use scent of money to lure out hooknose.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*After they catch one, they wave at police and police go away. Justice prevails.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Lawyers can see who is /wanted to find fugitives or see /cases of those in jail.{enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Lawyers can /defend to remove wanted levels from runners, and /tinfoil to hide client from /find{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*At the very least they can /free someone who makes bail in jail.{Enter}
return
numpad4::
SendInput t**This is some sort of racist headquarters. White man gather here to suit up with beat clubs.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Then they patrol in black and white car, ignore crime to focus on oppressing minoroties. Boo.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Also called POLICE DEPARTMENT, LSPD has rich history of hating everyone.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *LSPD will appear with blue names.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Crimes are NEVER auto reported. All crimes are reported by hand.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *The list of crimes and punishments can be found in the LSPD section of http://www.szrgta.com{Enter}
return
Numpad5::
SendInput t**Here is located FOUR CORNER GUYS. They are local math club, masters of geometry.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Nobody knows about them because they are mysterious and nobody cares.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Members will appear with brown names. /families 4{Enter}
return
Numpad6::
SendInput t**Now we are at Unity Station. Designed as a transportation hub, it now serves as storage.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It stores hobo, dead hobo, feces, and guns. If you want to add gun to GUN LOCKER, use floating thing.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is convenient to store gun here such as before police beat you or before green gorilla attack.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is legal to carry a shotgun or SDPistol, but it is never legal to wield them in public or fire them{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*at other people. You can also try to dispose of them with /dump guns{Enter}
return
Numpad7::
SendInput t**This is home of MONGOLIA CREW. They ride horseback and attack China.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They get really angry and shooty when anyone stops here. Let's enjoy the scenery.{Enter}
Sleep 6000
SendInput t*...{Enter}
Sleep 6000
SendInput t*Amazing.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Members will appear with orange names. /families 8{Enter}
return
numpad8::
SendInput t**This is one of many cars provided as public transport by our mayor.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Simply apply a firm elbow to the window, then get in and rub wires together.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*You are now using public transit. Good for the environment.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*It is legal to take any empty car. If you take a housecar accidently,{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*try to explain to angry police it was not intentional grand theft automobile.{Enter}
return
numpad9::
SendInput t**Be very quiet... this is home of yellow Mexico man known as VAGOS.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They grow high in forests of Mexico, and when they're ripe and ready they fall from mother's belly.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Then they swim to America and take up custodial jobs and grow big mustaches. Everyone wins.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*...On a more serious note, they are a very caring family and help newbs.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*If you want to join, go in front of their HQ and use the floating thingy.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They have dark yellow names. /families 14{Enter}
return
numpad0::
SendInput t**Here is the LS transport CRANE. When you are done with car, /DROPCAR here and it will put back in pool{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*for public use. You will also get a small finders fee for your work...$1000-$2000 at level one.{Enter}
return
!d::
SendInput t**Here is where Jon Do finally lost his mind. He killed himself watching 200 straight hours of The Wire.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*He finally colappsed with his homies crouched behind the sofa muttering "clubclubclubclubclub."{Enter}
Sleep 4000
Sendinput t*Also home of DRUG DEALER thingy for people to deal drugs. Pot and crack restore health and armor, respectively.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Get job here, use in conjunction with the big "D"s on the map to purchase drugs.{Enter}
return
!g::
SendInput t**Here is Ganton Gym, home of American boxing. American boxing is two men go in circles and not hit{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*each other. Very boring. Also, home of MERCENARY who can /find people on map. Very useful.{Enter}
return
!j::
SendInput t**On the right, angry green GROVE gorillas. Do not feed them.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They are one of the long standing groups in the city.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Members will have light green names. /families 2.{Enter}
return
!c::
SendInput t**This is home of PINOY CHURCH GROUP.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*More asian stereotypes. Cat eaters. Math. Bad Driving.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They will appear with dark green names. /families 6{Enter}
return
!k::
SendInput t**Here are 36th STREET KOMPATRIATES located on 36th street.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They are named after their locale, like Grove is monkeys in banana grove and{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Piney Church Group are near christmas trees.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*36th is an offshoot of Grove. You can tell cause they go off and shoot each other.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They have light purple. /families 10{Enter}
return
!s::
SendInput t**This is home SATAN'S SERPENTS.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They have a bunch of motorcycles, and wear assless chaps, and drink beer...{Enter}
Sleep 4000
Sendinput t*and maybe do boring stuff also.{enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They will appear with lime green names. /families 5{Enter}
return
!p::
SendInput t**Here is home of local gay pride unit. You can tell from flamboyant colors and sarcastic{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*name of their bar "pig pen." Gays have great sense of humor.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They are also called "BALLAS" because of obvious love of testicles.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *They will appear with purple names. /families 13{Enter}
return
!z::
SendInput t**This is home of BABILONIA FAMILY. They live in the hills.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They mine for gold. Obviously by spinny rims and lawn furniture you can tell they hit it big.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Members will appear with orange names. /families 7{Enter}
return
;!m::
;SendInput t**Now we pass Jefferson Motel.{Enter}
;return
!b::
SendInput t**And now we are at the LS BANK. Second nest of Jew, this time in disguise of accountant.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*They hold money and use witch power to turn into little extra money over time.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Still... I would not trust Jew. Jews would never donate or tip.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*That is the end of the tour. Do you have any questions, comments, or gifts for driver?{Enter}
return
!r::
SendInput t/b **Roleplaying is easy, the main thing to remember is to seperate IC and OOC.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t*Here I am Conrad.{Enter}t/b *Here I'm Brandon, and I'm talking out of character with /b.{Enter}
Sleep 4500
SendInput t/b *Using /me emotes is nice to show emotion, not neccesarily action.{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *For example, reaching for your gun shows anger.{Enter}
Sleep 5000
SendInput t/b *But you don't need to type it every time you take the gun out.{Enter}
Sleep 5500
SendInput t/b *Obviously if your gun is out you reached for it, it doesn't enhance RP.{Enter}
Sleep 4500
SendInput t/b *Likewise saying /me laughs isn't much better than just saying "hahaha"{Enter}
Sleep 4000
SendInput t/b *Just be sure to type properly, avoid making smiley faces or "lol" IC.{Enter}
return
;Change the name to fit you dumdum
